thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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