I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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