I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
