Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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