THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
