I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
