I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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