2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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