and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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