I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
