also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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