hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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