I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
