get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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