I think scott just propositioned me for sex
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
