I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
