Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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