What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and i looked up. we had an audience...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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