It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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