I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She needs sedatives and a leash
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
