Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
