I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
