Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
