My hand turned me down
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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