Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
