I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
