dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
