I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
