you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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