this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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