I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
