he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
