How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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