Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
