Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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