Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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