I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
