Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
