She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
me + whiskey = a bad person
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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