i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
