She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
