Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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