The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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