On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
