I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
