I look better un-naked...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
