so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
