I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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