im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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