Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
