Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
