speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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