between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
